apply our creativity?    

  focus on solutions?   

  learn more easily?   

  change our language?

10 Ways to Change Your Language AND Your Life

You may be familiar with the childhood rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."  However, you may not want to discount the power of language so readily.  Your body and your mind are intimately connected.  The language you use affects how you feel emotionally and how you function physically.  It also has an impact on those around you, just as their language influences you.  If you've ever used an affirmation, received a heartfelt compliment, said a prayer, or been moved by a speech, you can recognise the tremendous power of words.

Here is a list of ten language changes you can make to transform your life in positive and lasting ways.

1. Drop “should”

     "Should" is like a psychological choke chain (as are its relations "ought to," "have to," "must").  Frequently, the only purpose it serves is to punish, belittle, or deter us.  When we say, "I should eat less junk food," we're setting ourselves up for a guilt trip.  Using should after the event - "I shouldn't have bounced that cheque" - we take ourselves down a notch and reinforce negative beliefs such as, "I'm not good with money."  Eliminate "should" ("ought to," "have to," and "must") from your vocabulary, and see if you don't have more self-confidence and higher self-esteem.  Taking an attitude of "the should stops here" also helps lighten up your energy because you spend less time rebuking yourself.

2. Stop trying

     Trying cannot actually be physically accomplished.  For example: try to open your mouth (close it first if it's open!).  If your mouth stayed shut, you didn't open it, right?  If it opened, even the slightest amount, you did open it.  So, while you could contort yourself, fight against opening wide, or open your mouth without resisting, you had only two possible outcomes - shut mouth, or open mouth.  The same applies when you speak.  If you're asked, for instance, whether or not you'll have a project completed by the close of the workday, make a definitive answer.  You can choose "yes," "no," or renegotiate for another time that will work for you.  Don't fall into the "I'll try to get it done by five" trap.  If you choose to say yes to the project, you can work diligently towards its completion and carry out your commitment.  If you instead decide that no, you won't work on the project now, you can move onto other activities without distraction.  When your intention is clear (to you and others), you free up your energy to whatever task is at hand.

3. Just say yes or no

     Whether we behave like it or not, we are the ones who create the life we're living through our thoughts, words, and deeds.  And this life is ours to live as we choose.  So notice if being a "yes" man or "no" woman is helping you create the life you want.  If you say "yes" to please others, because you think you "have to," or because you make up horror stories of what will happen if you say "no," you're giving up the power you have over your life.  On the other hand, if "no" is your automatic response, you're shutting yourself off from the richness and possibilities life holds.  Whether you say "yes" or "no," choose the word that demonstrates what you really want in that given situation.  And remember: Your life depends on it.

4. Can versus will

     While "can" and "could" are appropriate to use when considering your options (i.e. "I could go to a movie or visit my friend"), they are the weak choice once you've reached a decision.  Show your commitment - to yourself, others, Life - by firmly stating your intention with "will" (i.e. "I will join you for lunch").  Will is not a "have to" or "should," and you can change your mind.  When you are clear on your choice, using "will" as your declaration of intention lets others know that you're dependable.  Perhaps most important though, by using "will," you set a personal standard of commitment for yourself.

5. Negative self-talk

     Breaking this habit is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.  Whether you notice it or not, it's likely that you spend time perpetuating lies about yourself, because they exist in your mind ready for "playback" at any moment.  For instance, you trip on something and the thought "I'm clumsy" springs lightning-like into your consciousness.  Or, you bounce a cheque and you beat yourself up for your oversight.  Or, you shrug off a compliment, saying, "Oh, I didn't really do much."  These are all examples of ways we personally sabotage ourselves, and ultimately create struggle and suffering in our lives.  So, if you want to be the best you possible, stop making up, buying into, or continuing to believe all lies about yourself.  One step you can take to reduce or eliminate the effects of this negative self-talk habit is to install a new "tape" of what is true about you.  Whenever one of these personal lies pops into your mind, say to yourself, "That is not true.  I am not clumsy (whatever your accusation is)."  Then, replace the lie with: "I am graceful" or "I move easily and know how to avoid obstacles."  Make the choice today to let no more negative self-talk enter your mind without it being evicted and replaced by a helpful and faithful tenant of truth and self-acknowledgement.

6. Silence the critic

     A partner of the negative self-talk we've let run amok in our consciousness is the critic.  Our critical mind offers up approval and disapproval for us and others, rarely leaving space for second opinions, alternative views, or extenuating circumstances.  Frequently, our mind judges like our lungs breathe - automatically - and we make ourselves or those around us wrong for our beliefs, words, and actions.  These condemnations often leave us feeling separated from others who are either "nothing like us," "so beneath us," or "much better than us."  Accepting these judgments as fact leads us to a seesaw existence of one up and one down.  Take yourself off this ride by noticing when you're in judgment (of yourself or others) and then choosing based on the facts instead of your critic's biased viewpoints.

7. Limit your use of always and never

     Though these two words seem harmless, they can distort your view of reality.  Sometimes, for instance, after a rough day at work, you might think, "My boss never shows appreciation for my work," or "She always expects me to deal with customer complaints."  While these statements might be true some or even most of the time, chances are there has been at least one exception to them.  Holding onto this "always" and "never" attitude simply keeps you from seeing the truth as it really is.  Statements that include "all the time" and "none of the time" have a similar reality-altering effect because they imply the same absolutes as "always" and "never."  Other words that can have a warping effect on real life are "no one" and "everyone" and "nobody" and "everybody."  Your mind might spring these on you when you're feeling discouraged or sad - "Nobody loves me" or "Everyone thinks I'm stupid."  Again, if there has ever been an exception to these statements, they are simply not true, and believing them doesn't serve you.

8. I do...

     When you want to give feedback to someone that might be difficult for them to hear, use an "I message."  I messages - where you, the speaker are the subject and your thoughts and feelings, rather than your judgments, are conveyed - can help you deliver such sensitive information.  So, rather than saying, "John, you really hurt my feelings when you criticized my work," using an "I message," you'd say, "John, I felt hurt when you criticized my work."  You still acknowledge the person's action without blaming them for your reaction to the situation.  "I messages" simply allow you to speak your truth in a way that is easy for the other party to hear.

9. Yes, but...

     We frequently use the word "but" when we're saying successive things that contradict each other - "I like him, but I think he's really controlling."  Often, "but" has the effect of erasing whatever came before it.  As in the earlier example, you might find that praise you offer gets forgotten when you follow it with "but" and a critical remark.  Or, your concerns might be lost if you add "but" and some words of reassurance to protect other people's feelings - "I'm concerned that this advertisement appears to disparage our competitor, but I know the writers have worked hard to come up with something memorable."  Notice how you use "but" and consider what effect it might have on the way your ideas are understood by others. Try "yes and..."

10. Say it like you mean it

     When you speak, you're delivering a message.  What you say, however, may not be what your listeners notice, because your words are only part of how you communicate.  Your tone of voice and body language convey meaning to your listener too.  One study found that our words account for, at most, 14% of how people receive our message.  Tone of voice accounted for 86% of the message in phone conversations.  In face-to-face encounters, listeners receive our message from 7% words, 38% tone of voice, and 55% body language.  So make sure you're delivering the same message at all levels of communication.  Saying, "I love you" with dispassion, averted eyes, and arms crossed over your chest likely doesn't ring true to your listener.  The same three words spoken emphatically, accompanied by a twinkle-eyed smiling face, and followed by a hug are certain to assure the object of your affection that you do speak the truth.